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Vent#2

Posted by Christy on April 10, 2012 at 7:10 PM Comments comments (0)

Sometimes I feel so empty and even sometimes to the point where I feel worthless. It tears me up inside everytime I think about it. Am I to blame because we moved back to China for half a year? If I hadn't been manipulated by my mother, could the situation had been better? Then I tremble at night at the the thoughts. Is it really my fault? Why was I so naive? I could have protested back then and stayed in Canada. Ever since I got back from that trash-dump, I feel like I had changed so much. My feelings have jaded towards many things, I can't be the extra enthusiastic kid I was years ago. I feel so corrupted and dirty, especially when I have all those unnesscary thoughts rushing in my head... I want to cry sometimes, but I can't. The tears wouldn't come out and I'm only there to laugh at what a failure I am... I can't even let out my emotions freely. 

It hurts so much, I have to put up a mask at school. No matter what happened the night before, I have to act like I'm okay. I want to make the people around me happy because I don't want them to go through the emotional complexity I go through when I'm at home. School is really just my escape from my unneeded thoughts. Talking with one of the teachers made me feel so much better, especially that one day when we had a heartfelt conversation. I felt enlightened afterwards, I love her, really I do. Sometimes I wished she was my mother because I feel attached to her in a platonic way and I feel like I can open up to her more easily than I could to my actual mother. 

Then today, I had been told to go home so many times today. I know it's unreasonable to stay behind and bug her, but just being with her makes me feel so much better. I guess everyone needs some space huh? But it really pained me. I really just wanted to scream, "Miss Semi! I don't want to go home because I feel insecure there!" Of course, I restrained myself from doing so... It almost feels like my parents are only there to support me physcially and economically. Yes, they always tell me I can tell them anything, but I can't. There's always a gap between me and them. I feel like they're going to be judgemental about my cases... Sometimes I wonder why I even live in this place? I spend my nights tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep, I feel like a nervous wreck. Why can't I be like everyone else? Why do I have to be the "strong one"? I'm only human too... 

Vent

Posted by Christy on April 7, 2012 at 1:50 PM Comments comments (0)

Sometimes I sit and look out at the window. Everything is so quiet, I hear nothing but my own thoughts colliding with one another. The things I never bother to think about comes back at me, sometimes even to the extent where I break down, but the tears never manage to come out. I know I'm being horribly unreasonable, I know perfectly why I need to forgive my parents for what they had done almost years ago. I know that they didn't get along, if they remained together it would have caused more family drama. However, I still place all the blame on my mother's behalf. I can't help but to hate her, I know if it's a divorce bother sides are at fault... Somehow, I just can't forgive her. 

I never had a place to vent properly in real life. For some reason I can't bring myself to talk to my family, it feels like I'm growing further apart from them. Sometimes I wake up and ask myself "Why am I even here? What is my purpose?" I have so many things I want to scream aloud. It hurts so much, the pain I have to keep to myself. I know, it's probably nothing compared to some people on the planet, but it's still painful. Every time I see a family together, eating dinner or just something simple, I cringe on the inside, it feels like needles stabbing my core mercislessy. I wish I had a normal family where I could laugh with both my parents, to have fun without fearing that they would get into another fight. I love them both so much, but at the same time I can't talk to them about my thoughts and feelings because I feel like I'd just cause them more trouble...

Recently I found someone who I am comfortable in talking these issues with. Then again, I feel like I'm a trouble to them. She's an instructor, a teacher. She has friends too, she has her own problems. Sometimes I wish I could be her friend and exchange our problems with each other and offer advice to one another. Of course, she probably wouldn't want to do that. After all, I'm only a teenager, my experience in life is so limited... 

Why can't I be like everyone else? Have parents who actually care. Have generous grandparents who pampers me like a spoiled child. Is it really so much just to ask for these? I'm not begging for more... Then again, I probably won't be the same ever again. Even if the things listed above do happen. 

Grade 8 Teacher review

Posted by Christy on June 16, 2011 at 9:35 PM Comments comments (0)

I know there is a site just for rating teachers but... 200 words cannot express how I feel about most teachers. Some, I can express probably in a few words and some, many words... So now I will do the rating by: Helpfulness, Clarity, and How Much I like that teacher.

*Note: I do know some teacher's first name, but some I don't. So bear with me.

Teacher: Linda Hayashi
Subject: Math
Helpfulness: ****
Clarity: ***
How much I like the teacher: *****
Review: She is a really nice math teacher. Your first impression on her will be a really snobby woman, but once you get to know her she is really kind. She wouldn't be mad at you or make a big deal if you don't hand in a assignment or two. She is very helpful at many points, you must see the way she helps people she will help you until you understand the concept. Sometimes, her teaching isn't exactly "clear." Like this one time we had to calculate the square root of numbers without a calculator. The way she exaplained it was very confusing. Overall, I think she is a nice teacher = )

Teacher: L. Ross
Subject: English
Helpfulness: **
Clarity: ****
How much I like the teacher: *
Review: Okay, before my inner bias gets to me I shall make a fair review. Helpfulness, I gave her a poor rating only because she barely teaches us anything. Everytime someone asks her for help she always do it half an hour later. Clarity, she is very clear with the concepts but sadly she gets really off task. Her excuses for being off topic is "You have to make connections." Yes, I do agree with her at some points. But, some of the "connections" don't have anything to do with the topic we're discussing. I did not like her at all. She did not like me. She was the only teacher who signed something really weird on my year book. Overall, she is a decent teacher I guess...

Teacher: Natasha Seminutin
Subject: Science
Helpfulness: *****
Clarity: *****
How much I like the teacher: *****
Review: I have some really good things to say about her. I remember when I first transferred to her class, I did not like her. She made me take the saftey test twice. She kept postponing the retests. I did not like her back then. Later on, I realized she's a great teacher and person! I grown so close to her over the months. Yes, she is a teacher and I am her student, but we became friends. I love her jokes and the way she laughs at mine. I love how she is sarcastic and friendly.  Her tests are not as hard if you actually studied for them. I remember when I did not like her, so I stopped doing my homework in her class. Then one day, she came up to me and lectured me when everyone left. I knew I did something wrong. She told me: "I want all of my students to be able to advance to another grade, I do not want you to repeat another year of science 8." There was a period of time where she was absent, at first I was really happy until I realized how much I missed her jokes and laugh. Later when she came back, I started to take a liking to her. Yes, she does pick on me in class but she only did that just to see if I understand the concepts or not. Just today, I remember looking at my final exam mark. My inner self was struggling because I thought I did really bad. I think she understood me so she just showed it to me instead. I did not do bad, but she still kept it private. Ms. Semi is a great teacher with a great personality, I really want to get her next year again.

Teacher: Kevin Matheny
Subject: Social Studies
Helpfulness: *****
Clarity: *****
How much I like the teacher: *****
Review: Not much to say. He can always make actual connections with the thing he's teaching. He is funny and easy going.

Teacher: Lynn Forrest
Subject: Phys Ed& French
Helpfulness: *****
Clarity: *****
How much I like the teacher: *****
Review: Best teacher ever. She is so nice and helpful, she will help you if you ask. She will make sure you understand it all before you proceed to the next step. She will make sure all your pronounciation is good before you present. She will help you get through all the phys ed activities. As long as you try, you will get a good mark.

Teacher: Tony Sheppard
Subject: Band
Helpfulness: ****
Clarity: *****
How much I like the teacher: *****
Review: N/A

This is a pretty decent review I guess. I did not review the teachers I only had for like one month or two because I do not know them that well.

After Graduation Rant

Posted by Christy on July 1, 2010 at 11:37 PM Comments comments (0)

At first I was really really excited for graduation ever since September, but as it gets closer the more I want to stay at Brighouse. Many people had told me "Graduation, big deal." But I don't know why I got all emtional when it was close to occuring...

 

Maybe I can hate the teachers at times, but at the same time I love them greatly. I was not a very good student infact I'm not even close to being good. I never hand in work on time and I rarely put in any effort in my work. Strangely, the teachers I had at Brighouse still had hope in me. In grade 6 I was close to being expelled, because I faked my mom's signature. But my teacher talked me out of it. This year I wasn't very great either, as usual I don't put in any effort etc. But my teacher told me to have hope and inprove my habits.

 

I pnly stayed at Brighouse for two years but those two years were so magnificent. All those laughs I laughed. all those people I smiled to, all those jokes I laughed, all those tears I shed... Brighouse would stay forever in my heart.

 

I'm  sure we all want to stay forever young, nobody wants to grow up. It's not a choice. We have to move on. I could remember just like yesterday I entered elementary not knowing how to read out a lot of letters, now I'm graduating... Time sure flies when you're having a good time.

 

Keep smiling graduates, hold back your tears and live happily.


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