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Vent

Posted by Christy on April 7, 2012 at 1:50 PM

Sometimes I sit and look out at the window. Everything is so quiet, I hear nothing but my own thoughts colliding with one another. The things I never bother to think about comes back at me, sometimes even to the extent where I break down, but the tears never manage to come out. I know I'm being horribly unreasonable, I know perfectly why I need to forgive my parents for what they had done almost years ago. I know that they didn't get along, if they remained together it would have caused more family drama. However, I still place all the blame on my mother's behalf. I can't help but to hate her, I know if it's a divorce bother sides are at fault... Somehow, I just can't forgive her. 

I never had a place to vent properly in real life. For some reason I can't bring myself to talk to my family, it feels like I'm growing further apart from them. Sometimes I wake up and ask myself "Why am I even here? What is my purpose?" I have so many things I want to scream aloud. It hurts so much, the pain I have to keep to myself. I know, it's probably nothing compared to some people on the planet, but it's still painful. Every time I see a family together, eating dinner or just something simple, I cringe on the inside, it feels like needles stabbing my core mercislessy. I wish I had a normal family where I could laugh with both my parents, to have fun without fearing that they would get into another fight. I love them both so much, but at the same time I can't talk to them about my thoughts and feelings because I feel like I'd just cause them more trouble...

Recently I found someone who I am comfortable in talking these issues with. Then again, I feel like I'm a trouble to them. She's an instructor, a teacher. She has friends too, she has her own problems. Sometimes I wish I could be her friend and exchange our problems with each other and offer advice to one another. Of course, she probably wouldn't want to do that. After all, I'm only a teenager, my experience in life is so limited... 

Why can't I be like everyone else? Have parents who actually care. Have generous grandparents who pampers me like a spoiled child. Is it really so much just to ask for these? I'm not begging for more... Then again, I probably won't be the same ever again. Even if the things listed above do happen. 

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