|Posted by Christy on April 10, 2012 at 7:10 PM|
Sometimes I feel so empty and even sometimes to the point where I feel worthless. It tears me up inside everytime I think about it. Am I to blame because we moved back to China for half a year? If I hadn't been manipulated by my mother, could the situation had been better? Then I tremble at night at the the thoughts. Is it really my fault? Why was I so naive? I could have protested back then and stayed in Canada. Ever since I got back from that trash-dump, I feel like I had changed so much. My feelings have jaded towards many things, I can't be the extra enthusiastic kid I was years ago. I feel so corrupted and dirty, especially when I have all those unnesscary thoughts rushing in my head... I want to cry sometimes, but I can't. The tears wouldn't come out and I'm only there to laugh at what a failure I am... I can't even let out my emotions freely.
It hurts so much, I have to put up a mask at school. No matter what happened the night before, I have to act like I'm okay. I want to make the people around me happy because I don't want them to go through the emotional complexity I go through when I'm at home. School is really just my escape from my unneeded thoughts. Talking with one of the teachers made me feel so much better, especially that one day when we had a heartfelt conversation. I felt enlightened afterwards, I love her, really I do. Sometimes I wished she was my mother because I feel attached to her in a platonic way and I feel like I can open up to her more easily than I could to my actual mother.
Then today, I had been told to go home so many times today. I know it's unreasonable to stay behind and bug her, but just being with her makes me feel so much better. I guess everyone needs some space huh? But it really pained me. I really just wanted to scream, "Miss Semi! I don't want to go home because I feel insecure there!" Of course, I restrained myself from doing so... It almost feels like my parents are only there to support me physcially and economically. Yes, they always tell me I can tell them anything, but I can't. There's always a gap between me and them. I feel like they're going to be judgemental about my cases... Sometimes I wonder why I even live in this place? I spend my nights tossing and turning in bed, unable to sleep, I feel like a nervous wreck. Why can't I be like everyone else? Why do I have to be the "strong one"? I'm only human too...